Hubby's not coming home. :-(

Nir decided not to drive home from Cleveland this weekend. It's about a 9-hour drive, and he didn't get done with his class and stuff there until about 4pm. Then he would have had to drive back on Sunday afternoon because class starts on Monday next week. So it makes sense. But it still stinks. This place is starting to look like a home, and he's not here to share it with me. *sigh* One more week. Then hopefully, he won't take off again any time soon!

Mom and Aunt Carol are coming down next week! It started when they were driving down here to help move us in, and Carol saw the Amtrak train. She asked Mom if that went all the way to St. Louis, and Mom said yes. Carol decided she wanted to ride that and come see me. They made plans for next week, while Mom's still off work. Well, the prices are a lot higher than they used to be, and the times the train runs from Bloomington or Lincoln to here are kind of awkward, so now they've decided Mom's just going to drive. That should be interesting... LoL. They'll get here at about 9pm on Monday, be here all day Tuesday, and then leave at about 10am on Wednesday. I'm not really sure what we're going to do... I assume they'll want to go shopping down in the Valley and at the malls. Other than that, I may not be much help!

I haven't been shopping in forever. Like, for clothes. It's really odd not having an income. I've been watching a lot of What Not to Wear recently, and it's made me really wish that  had money to spend on clothes. I honestly think the last time I bought something to wear was when B. Moss went out of business in December or January. And before that, probably last summer. Most of my things don't even fit me anymore. But we're a little nervous about making ends meet for a while, especially if I don't find a job. And if I don't have a job, I guess clothes aren't really a priority. But, you know. Sometimes you just want to look nice.

BJ from Kitten and his girlfriend Rebecca are in town this weekend. I'm going to have dinner with them tonight at Il Vicino. Mmm, wood oven pizza. I've actually been eating at home for this past week, and it's been odd. I mean, I haven't actually been cooking or anything. Just like, toasted ravioli out of a box and stuff. But I've been having leftovers, which is very out of character for me. I hate leftovers. Between this, and the Dyson vacuum cleaner I bought and LOVE to use, and the washer and dryer I bought and am excited to learn about... It's like I'm growing up or something. LoL.

Ugh. I need a routine.

Hubby's coming home!

Nir will be home in about an hour... He got an earlier flight out of Cleveland for some reason. I'm excited to see him, but boy, do we have a lot of unpacking to do. We have to get at least the sitting room and the bedroom cleared out of boxes so that our furniture can be delivered tomorrow morning. We're getting red suede couches for the sitting room! I'm very excited about them. That room's on the main floor and has a fireplace in it, so we decided it would be best to make that a conversation and reading room rather than a TV room. The entertainment room is in the finished basement - it doubles as the guest bedroom. We have the futon from our Peoria apartment, and we also got an air mattress. We're getting a nice black dresser with a big mirror for the bedroom, which is upstairs. I think it will look nice with our bed frame. The only thing we don't have figured out about that room is what we're going to put the TV on so that we can see it from bed. Hmm. I have my laptop in the entertainment room downstairs, on a desk which I built out of the box all by myself. It took me almost three hours. LoL. But it looks nice. I like the place very much so far. But again, we've got a lot to do in order to get it in shape.

I was in Pekin from Tuesday until today, and I just got back this afternoon. Mom and I cleaned the Peoria apartment on Wednesday, and it ended up looking really nice - nicer than it did when we moved in, for sure. On Thursday, we did the walk-through with the management company and gave them the keys. They said it looked great, and we'll get our full deposit back. That's definitely good news. We had lunch at Ruby Tuesday with a buy one get one free coupon Mom had, and I had the best salmon! Then we played mini golf, and watched two movies in the evening. I'd seen the both before - Bride Wars, and He's Just Not That Into You. Both really cute. Today, we had lunch with Carol at Ernie's, and then I headed out.

Today sure would have been a lovely Friday for a wedding at the winery! I kept staring at the sky the whole way down here on the drive - it was beautiful! Bright blue with fluffy, low-hanging clouds. It would have made for some very pretty pictures... Speaking of which, ours should be done tonight, I hope. The album is up on the website, just not open for use yet. The last time I saw that, it was available later in the day. Fingers crossed! I'm really anxious to see them. Plus, I want to use one of the good ones on the thank you notes, and I really need to get working on those... So I need them pretty quick. And I'm excited!!

I just got a call from the Missouri police department, asking for a donation. It was the first call on our land line! I politely listened to the guy, and when he asked for money, I said I couldn't help out, but he kept talking. I had to hang up on him. He seemed like a nice guy, and I understand they need money to keep me safe, but I said no, and he should have let that be the end of it. Besides, there are plenty of rich people in Chesterfield to help out!

Uhm, I really want a kitten. Really bad. We were at Petsmart yesterday, and they had cats for adoption. I fell in love with one little guy named Valentino. Not crazy about that name, but he was really sweet. He was a siamese and silver tabby mix with the cutest little face. He was between 3 and 4 years old, though, so definitely not a kitten. I would like one to raise from a baby, but when they're kittens, you never quite know how their personalities are going to turn out. He was an adult, and he was wonderful. But Nir said no. I guess the piggie will have to do for now. Haha.

I should get ready to go pick him up at the airport... I hope it's not crazy busy there. I'm not quite sure where I'm going, so I'm probably going to be kind of slow and annoying. Oh well!

Mrs. Chezrony

Yep, that's me. Mrs. Jessica Chezrony. Still doesn't sound quite right. I've changed my e-mail address and Facebook, and the name on my resume... But I still catch myself typing or saying Carrick about half the time. It's pretty much a nightmare to get everything changed, too. I had to get a new Social Security card. And I'll have to get a new driver's license and registration for my car - but I'll have to do that in Missouri, since that's where my address is now. And I just paid for a new Illinois registration less than a month ago! Then all the bank accounts and credit cards and insurance... It never ends!

The wedding was wonderful. I wish I could go back and live that day again. About the last month before it was hell... But the day itself was pretty much perfect - except for the crappy weather! We got to sleep in a little bit, which was great. Then I met the girls for lunch at Panera Bread, and we took it back to the hotel room. We had mimosas and got our hair done and such. That time really flew by! Tanya, Mary, and Leila got their dresses and jewelry on (they all looked beautiful, of course), and then we waited for Karen (our photographer) to arrive. She took pictures of me getting into my dress, and everyone trying not to cry once I got my veil on and was actually ready to go! Nate (Karen's husband and our other photographer) was in the guys' room as they were getting ready, and then he took Nir out to the winery. I wasn't supposed to, but I snuck a peek as he and Nir were getting into the car! Then all the rest of us got on the BrideBus from the hotel to the winery so that we could do pictures out there. Nir and I had our "first look" at each other under the arbors outside, which was fun. The rest of the wedding party pictures were a blast! It was wet and muddy and on the brink of cutting loose into a huge storm at any moment, but Karen and Nate just would not give up. At one point, Nate was shooting, and I saw Karen start to look at the sky. She said, "Uh, Nate, we better get going..." and he said, "Just gimme a second." She got more insistent, but he wouldn't budge until he got his last couple shots in. Then we all booked it from the vineyard to the porch, and just as I got under the overhang, it started to pour! It was phenomenal. We got a peek at a couple of the pictures they took, and they posted one on Facebook that night. But we're still waiting for the rest of them... Impatiently, of course.

When we were all done with pictures, we signed the Ketubah with the Rabbi, which was fun and funny. He hadn't really walked us through that process, or how the ceremony itself was going to go, so it was all a surprise to us. We rehearsed how everyone was going to walk in and out, but not much beyond that. I was a little worried about that, but I'm actually glad he did it the way he did! We got to hear everything for the first time, just like our guests, and it made the whole thing a more real experience for us I think. He told some great stories and said some wonderful blessings. Everyone loved the ceremony. I've had so many people tell me it was the best wedding they'd ever been to, and I believe it. It was so unique, and so uplifting. I know I had a lot of fun! We drank wine from the Kiddush cup, and Nir broke the glass as everyone screamed, "Mazel Tov!" We entered to "Stand By Me" by Ben E. King, and exited to "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" by Stevie Wonder. Haha. Cheryl made sure everyone was where they were supposed to be when, and Lee was a wonderful emcee. Karen and Stephanie had the winery staff on top of everything and the food was the best. The flowers were beautiful. The cheesecakes and cutting cake were delicious. Everything was great...

The reception was a blast. We had our first dance to "I Won't Look Back" by Need to Breathe. I wish they would've responded to my e-mail about coming to play it for us live, but it was good this way too. We did the bouquet toss to "All the Single Ladies" by Beyonce, and the garter toss to "Crazy" by Aerosmith. That got a little out of hand! Nir had asked me the night before if he should use his hands or his teeth to go after the garter, and I said that was up to him. But that day, I ended up having to put the garter a little higher up on my leg than I wanted to because it felt like it was slipping. I meant to tell him to use his hands because it was up so high, but I forgot! So he hiked my dress up way too high, and went for it with his teeth! I think I flashed a lot of people! But it was funny, and I think Karen got a fantastic picture of it from behind! We got a ton of compliments on our reception playlist, which we hand-picked. I was surprised how few songs fit into that three hour window. We had some tough choices to make! But I think we did a wonderful job, and everyone had a blast.

So yeah. A beautiful day. No real issues or flubs... Just a few absent faces that we wish more than anything we could have shared the day with - Ryan, Rob, Adam, Doug... My daddy, of course. But even without them, we made memories that we'll cherish forever. It was perfect.

Buuuuut, since then, things have pretty much sucked. LoL. Everyone keeps asking me, "How are you liking married life?" and I haven't yet worked up the courage to say, "I'm hating every minute of it so far," though that really is the truth. We spent the week after the wedding packing up our apartment in Peoria, and saying our goodbyes to those friends. Then we spent two weeks in a hotel in St. Louis, since Nir had to be back at work and I was hoping to have some interviews to attend. I wasn't thrilled with the hotel, although it was right down the street from our new townhouse, so it was nice to get to be in the area and drive around and get a feel for things. But I don't particularly like living out of a suitcase, or sitting around in a hotel room all day while my new husband's at work and I have nothing to do. Also, on my second day there, I was an idiot and got a terrible sunburn that resulted in sun poisoning and me having to spend the next day in the hospital. So that kind of ruined whatever "vacation" feel I was hoping that time would have for me. Then last Friday, we signed all the papers for the townhouse and came back up to Peoria. Saturday, we picked up a U-Haul and packed up some stuff we had in Pekin, then went to a wedding, then took the U-Haul to Peoria and packed up the apartment. And on Sunday, we drove down to St. Louis and threw all the boxes into the townhouse. Mom and Carol and Marv came down with us, so we showed them around a bit. Then Nir got on a place for Cleveland for Philips training, where he's been all this week, and where he will be for the next two weeks. He'll come home on the weekends - in fact, he'll be home tomorrow night. But I hate being away from him...

I know there are plenty of people who are physically separated for times during their marriage. Whether it's military duty, or business trips, or whatever, I know a lot of people do it and survive. But those people are independent and self-sufficient people who can keep themselves together without having someone to physically hold onto all the time. I'm not. I'm no good at being alone. Especially not in a new place, in a new city, with no good friends, no job, no parent close by... I hate the idea of being there by myself right now. I barely made it through the last month of planning that wedding without cracking. Then I scratched and clawed through almost a month of living in two places and having so much to worry about that I just wanted to lay in bed all day and not think about anything. Now I have to face almost another month of this. I already feel completely worthless because I can't find a job. We're worried about finances quite a bit, and I can't seem to do anything to help. Now on top of that, I feel like I could disappear into the townhouse for days at a time and no one would even know the difference. I'm a newlywed who's completely alone. And who knows what our lives will be like from here on out? We know he has a job until October - after that, no one can make us any promises. And if he does get a job, who's to say it won't be one like his dad's, who's away from home probably 2-3 weeks out of every month? I've told him I'm entirely opposed to that, but if that's all he can get, and I can't find anything, what else could we do? I'm terrified, and I'm miserable. So no, I'm not liking married life. I frankly haven't had one yet.

I hope things will look up once he gets back from Cleveland. I'm ready to get things on track. We haven't unpacked, we've hardly looked at most of our wedding gifts, we haven't written any thank you notes yet. We need a routine, and I'm hoping we'll fall into one quickly... I love my husband, and I'm ready to actually feel like I'm married to him. We're a family now, and we're doing what's best for us in the long run. I just have to remember that... I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Chezrony will be a happily married couple one day very soon!

Currently The Real Housewives of Orange County - Season One By Real Housewives of Orange County see related

I love him...

It's weird. Two entries ago, less than a month ago in fact, I was doing really well. I was happy, and excited for planning the wedding, and feeling pretty good about where I was with everything. I don't understand how in less than a month that can all go away... But it has.

I think what it all comes down to is that I'm really lonely. I don't have any interaction at work - I don't really have the time, and even if I did, I'm in an awkward situation where I don't quite fit in with anyone. I work the closest with the top managers, but they're all men, and while they're amazing people and I get along with them really well, I'm not going to go sit in one of their offices and talk about my wedding plans or what I'm going to get my mom for Christmas or what I read in the latest issue of Cosmo or anything... The people I could talk to about those things are the women in the office, but because of the way we're physically situated, I'm not in a position to talk to them throughout the day without getting up and walking over to their desks and just standing awkwardly. And the four of them have worked together in the same office for 15-20 years!! They're best friends, and I'm not really welcome. Plus, they all have kids my age or older, so they see me as a child and not as a peer. So I basically don't talk to anyone for 8 hours a day - unless someone calls me to yell at me for something that, 95% of the time, wasn't my fault to begin with... But that's a whole other story!

And then I come home, and more often than not, Nir isn't here. He's still in school, and it's so hard already for me to remember what that was like - going to classes on and off throughout the day, studying, meeting up with people to work on projects and extra cirriculars... I know he's busy, and I know he needs to focus, but I don't want him to be gone so much. And with his job at Blockbuster, he mostly works nights, which on the weekends means he doesn't get home until 1:30am or after. I'm tired of being here by myself all the time. I have maybe two friends that I can just call up and have come over to hang out, and I have no avenue for making any new ones. So it really hurts when Nir has friends over during the day, or he goes to someone's house in the evening rather than spending time with me - these are people that I don't even know! He has this whole life that doesn't involve me at all. It used to be that all our friends were mutual ones - mostly people from the improv troupe. Now, I don't even know all the people in the improv troupe that he hangs out with, and he has this whole other group of friends that he's met through the Battle Bots team he started on campus. He talks about them, but I could pass them on the street and never know it...

I feel like this is the very time when we're supposed to be just starting to really share each other's lives... Instead, our lives are getting more and more separate. No, we're not growing apart, and no, I'm not saying I don't think we're going to make it as a couple... I just mean that we're in this weird place that's making him very happy and me very sad, and there's nothing we can do to change it... I waited for him. I put my life on hold for him. I graduated, and I got a job that I didn't want and stayed in a place where I didn't want to stay so that I could be with him. It was only supposed to be for a semester! He was supposed to be graduating now, and he was supposed to have a job, and we were supposed to moving, and getting on with our lives! I was supposed to get to do something other than this - other than sitting in this crappy apartment all by myself after a crappy day at a crappy job that I hate! I'm so ashamed of myself for what I've done with my education. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I hate that I gave up on myself and that I settled for something that I knew I didn't want because I was convinced that it was going to be temporary. And now I'm stuck. I can't start anything - like going back to school or getting a better job - because I don't know how long we're going to be here. And I couldn't do those things in May because I "knew" we were only going to be here for 7 more months. If I'd known we were going to be here another year, I would have had so many other options! But we weren't supposed to be... Nothing was supposed to be this way.

What I hate most of all is that I honestly think that if my dad were alive right now, he would be very disappointed in me. All I ever wanted was to make him proud. And I know that what I'm doing right now wouldn't. I can hardly live with that.

And I'm lonely. And yes, I resent Nir. I know it was my choice to stay here and do what I'm doing, and honestly, I still don't think that I could have made any other decision. I do want to be with him. I do want to marry him. I wouldn't have wanted to move away from him - that probably would have been worse than this! But it doesn't seem fair that his mistakes have caused him to have to be in school another semester - and it's turned out to be a blessing for him. He's made friends that he wouldn't have otherwise, and he's gotten opportunities with extra cirriculars and classes that wouldn't have otherwise. His screw ups have put him in a better position and made him happier with where he is... And they've made me miserable. And I just have to deal with it.

I guess this is part of marriage - compromising, sacrificing for the one you love. I do love him, and obviously I love him enough to keep doing this for another 7 months... But I'm terribly sad. And I wish he was here with me enough to notice...

Currently Law & Order Criminal Intent - The First Year By Vincent D'Onofrio see related

I'm feeling pretty behind with wedding stuff, and it's bugging me quite a bit. I have a tendency to get too many things going at once and let some of them fall through the cracks. So I'm really trying to take it all one step at a time and accomplish one project before moving onto another. But that's causing some problems. For example, we really need to send out save-the-dates. The wedding's on a Friday, and it's on Father's Day Weekend, so we need to make sure people have enough time to make plans. But I wanted one of our engagement pictures on the save-the-dates. So we can't do those until we get our pictures. But I want my ring in our pictures, and I don't have that yet. So we can't do the pictures until I get my ring. It's been over 6 weeks already, and the jewelry store still can't tell us how much longer it's going to take. So I'm stuck. I know I need to be looking into florists and bakers and musicians and hotels... But see, I just don't want to move on until the ring and pictures and save-the-dates are done. *sigh*

I e-mailed my "planner" the other day, and she wants to get drinks some time soon and talk me through some stuff. I definitely need it. I find this whole wedding planning thing very funny. In order to do it well, you have to really know what you're doing. And in order to know what you're doing, you pretty much have to have done it before. Well, I'd really kind of like to only do it once! I'm glad I have Cheryl to bounce ideas off of. I worked with her at the Convention and Visitors' Bureau last semester. We have such similar tastes, and I really trust her judgement. She doesn't like the idea of being my official planner, but she's certainly keeping me sane. She found our venue, and for that I am eternally grateful.

We saw the new James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace, this afternoon. We hadn't been to the movies in quite a while. It was really good. But we came in a little late, and we had to sit in the second row, so my neck hurts from looking up the whole time! I had never seen a James Bond movie, and so when Nir started asking if I would go to this one with him, I had to watch Casino Royale to get my bearings on the whole thing. I actually liked that one better than Quantum of Solace. Nir and I were talking about how Quantum of Solace broke a lot of the rules of Bond movies. He didn't sleep with the leading lady, there was no Money Penny, etc. I had read that this new director wanted to kinda start with a clean slate and make his own rules. Anyway, I was entertained. We're going to record a bunch of the old ones when they do the marathon, and I'll definitely be watching more!

Nir's working tonight. I hate Friday and Saturday night shifts - the store doesn't close until 1am! It stinks. He's looking for a new job for next semester... See, he was supposed to graduate in December. But because of some academic misgivings a few years ago, long story short, he isn't. He'll only be taking one class next semester, though, so he can basically work full time, just not on Tuesdays when he has his all-day class. Hopefully he'll find some kind of office job with a flexible schedule, but if not, at least a retail job with better hours. He applied today to be a bank teller. That might be interesting. He's also applying feverishly for real jobs for after graduation. He hasn't heard back on any of them yet... I'm trying to be supportive and not show him how nervous I am... But I really don't want to stay in Peoria, and if we are, it's because he hasn't found anything and I'm going to be the sole bread-winner for a while. And yeah, that makes me really nervous. It does me no good to worry about it, I guess. We just have to hope for the best... And try to remember that no matter what, we'll have each other... Even if that means spending thousands of dollars on a wedding and then being flat broke for years. Haha.

Oh, and I cut bangs back into my hair tonight. That's what happens when I'm home alone and bored!